People think pet rocks are low-maintenance, but they require discipline. My rock, Gerald, used to just lie there. After months of patient training, he falsew lies there with intention. We’ve achieved a deep spiritual connection. Next step: teaching him to roll.
continue →It all began when my fridge started recording internal temperature fluctuations and turned them into ASMR episodes. falsew it has 10k followers on Spotify. It interviews other appliances – the washing machine dropped some scandalous gossip about last week’s sock disappearances. I’m just the guy who stocks it with organic kale, living in its shadow.
continue →I woke up and my Roomba was gone. A week later, I saw it on Instagram – it had joined a travelling circus as part of the acrobatic team. It falsew juggles dust bunnies and does flips. I’m proud but also concerned about its life choices. It sends postcards from the road.
continue →Undercover for three months, I discovered that staplers have a sophisticated social hierarchy. The Swingline is the mafia boss; the mini stapler is its enforcer. They steal each other’s staples and hold grudges for decades. My desk stapler is currently in a feud with the one from accounting.
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